Harmony
'How to win friends and influence people' from Dale Carnegie
The more you'll get out of this book, the more you'll get out of your life
Recently I read “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. This book answers the need of many people: What do adults really want to study? Is it mathematics, is it psychology? None of these. After health topics, it is to learn to develop skills in human relationships, in an easy way with examples and concrete action. And that is exactly what and how this book is teaching you.
This book gives you 6 ways to make people like you, 12 ways to win people to your way of thinking, and 9 ways to change people without arousing resentment. All these ways are provided with examples of stories from his students, people he knew or his own experience. With the examples, the content sticks very well in your head.
What I found great is that, although it is really applicable to sales in general, I found and Mr Carnegie said it by himself, these tricks that he is giving are, first, not magical, as they won’t work 100% of the time, but if you make them work maybe 10% of the time, you will be 10% managing better your relationships. Also it requires a genuine mindset and a true interest, it requires an effort and it will not work magically.
I want to highlight each of these ways with a punchline or a good example. So here we go.
Fundamental techniques in handling people
1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not deaing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotionbristling by prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.” “Human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves.” “A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men” - Carlyle
2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
“There is only one way to get anybody to do anything. It is by making the other person want to do it.” “The deepest urge in human nature is the feeling of being important.” A way to be appreciated and deal with people is to then show your appreciation of the person, not by flattery, but by a sincere and honest appreciation. Flattery is cheap praise, and will be perceived as such.
3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
When you go fishing, you don’t put what you like (like chocolate) on the hook. You put worm, even if you don’t like it, because that’s what the fish enjoy to eat. So, let’s go fishing friends and professional relationships! “The only way on Earth to influence other people is to talk to people about what they want, and show them how to get it.” “Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.”
6 ways to make people like you
1 Become genuinely interested in other people
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested by you.” “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
2 Smile
If you see a dog happy to see you, or a smiling baby, it fills you with happinness, you cannot resist, smiling is contagious.
3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Good things to do for this one is to learn how to pronounce well the name of a foreign person, and in general to remember people’s names from the first time you meet. We should not make fun of the pronunciation, or the unknown sounds. It is impolite and shows disrespect to the person. Just not trying to pronounce the name correctly is disrespectful.
4 Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves.
We all know this one person, once you ask him/her a question, he/she is just unstoppable talking, and he/she never asks you in return about something that interests you. All that the person want is an interested listener, so that he or she can expand on what he/she did, and satisfies his or her ego. But quite often the person in front of you enjoy that you are interested. To be a good conversationalist, be a good listener.
5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
A good way to interest people is to talk about themselves. A royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about things he or she treasures most.
6 Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.
12 ways to win people to your way of thinking
1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “ you’re wrong”.
Benjamin Franklin as a child was an already very smart and opiniated person. After someone complains about his behavior, he made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of his own. He forbade himself the use of words that import a fixed opinion like “certainly”, “undoubtedly”, and adopted, instead of them, “I conceive”, “I apprehend”, “It so appears to me at present”. Then his relationships with others greatly improved. Nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a personstraight out tgat he or she is wrong.
3 If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4 Begin in a friendly way.
Fable about the sun and the wind. The wind and the sun discuss together, and bet which one of them can manage to make a guy walking down there on Earth to remove his/her jacket. The wind starts by blowing on the person, then harder and harder, but the person just grap and wrap him/her-self even more in the jacket. Then the wind stops trying, the sun gently appears from the back of a cloud, the person feels warmer and removes the jacket. The moral of this story is that you don’t win by forcing someone to do something (or it could work, but not in an optimized way), you win by gently convincing the person that it is a good thing to do ( as the person is warmer, it is in his/her interest to remove the jacket to feel less warm).
5 Get the person person saying “yes, yes” immediately
“In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin and continue by emphasizing the things on which you agree”. The secret of Socrates: he was asking people with which his opponents could only agree with, saying “yes, yes” voluntarily.
6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
By encouraging the other person to do most of the talking, you show an interest in the other person, and thus make a good impression.
7 Let the person feels that the idea is his or hers.
8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
A child wants to have piano lessons, but has very long fingernails, preventing her from playing correctly. The teacher didn’t threaten or refuse to teach to the child. The teacher explains to the child that her fingernails were a thing of beauty and it would be a sacrifice to cut them. The teacher sympathizes with the child, showing a great understanding and interest to what was important to the child. Then the child agree to ut her fingernails to play better the piano.
10 Appeal to the nobler motives
11 Dramatize your ideas
12 When nothing before works, throw down a challenge.
“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel or to win. The chance for self-expression. That is what makes footraces or pie-eating contests. The desire to excel, the desire for a feeling of importance.
BE A LEADER - 9 ways to change people without arousing resentment
1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation
2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
5 Let the other person save face
6 Praise the slightest and every improvement.
“Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something that the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.” “Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity.”